is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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