i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
