Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
