his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
