Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
then he tried to convert me to islam
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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