I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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