If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We smell like vodka and hangover
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