tonight lets celebrate not being married
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
