just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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