Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
