If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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