my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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