if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
