I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
