Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
