My friends, they love my intelligence
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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