I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
