i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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