I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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