I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
