The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
