what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
