they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
