hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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