I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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