Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
