we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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