it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
