Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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