omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
