If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
