i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
