You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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