dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
