Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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