make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
