captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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