Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need water and some morals
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
