Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
