Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
