Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
