funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize