apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
