What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
