I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
