i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
