What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Buhtt sex?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize