I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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