Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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