I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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