the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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