Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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