If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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