i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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