Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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