I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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