You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
