Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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