The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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