I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
