Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
