i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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