Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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